Absent: Al Gore.

Abuse of Power: What's that?

Accused: Everybody but you.

Accuser: Everybody but you.

Adultery: That thing that apparently gets done a lot but no one ever talks about, in Washington.

Afterburner: What Hillary went into when you told her the truth.

Agatha: What you and Hillary were going to name Chelsea before your mother put her foot down.

Alan Dershowitz: The biggest ego this side of yourself and Napoleon. Duty-bound to misrepresent the truth, even in front of the House Judiciary Committee, and then to eat his own words when they're brought back to haunt him.

Alksne: Someone you 'love;' also some person you can use to milk support from the rubes.

Allegations: License to lie, cheat, and steal.

Allred: Some person that you can use to milk support from the rubes, and maybe even get a date with, if you're unlucky. Wrap her in a flag...

Ally: What's that?

Alone: You and your lawyers in believing your lies. That dog won't hunt.

Also-ran: Al Gore.

Altered Ego: James Carville. Enough said. Or possibly Slur Alec Baldwin...

Altered States: Al Gore watching the State of the Union address. You can almost see him hearing "President Gore..." as he tries to look interested in what you're saying.

America: Some concept that you can use to milk support from the rubes and sell for ad space.

Anagrams: What you do when you're tired of parsing.

Anal Sex: Not adultery. Not sex. Not 'not.'

Approval Rating: Some poll that you can use to milk support from the rubes; also license to stonewall.

Arafat: Some person that you can use to milk support from the rubes. Also first on the 'special' cigar gift list.

Arianna: Your worst nightmare. A smart woman. Sort of like Hillary.

Arkansas: The other place where you can get away with fooling around and taking bribes.

Asia: Some place that you can use to milk support from the rubes, and have your retirement funded at the same time.

Assistant: Fair game, if she's pretty.

Attack Apology: a new twist on the lie, deny, and defy defense; instead of simply defending yourself from accusations, you also try to gather dirt on and attack the credibility of the accusers. Prerequisites: a total disregard for the truth, unless you can use it, and balls the size of a rhino.

Attorney(s): Those things that crawl around Washington like ants and look for (and inevitably find) more work. Also the leading candidate for the bus going over the cliff scenario.

Attorney for the Defense: The one who'll twist laws into a Mobius strip for you. Usually answers to the name Defense Counselor, or Spot. Heel! Wag! Spin! Roll over! Good boy.

Attorney for the Plaintiff: That scumbag with an axe to grind. Prime target for lying by omission under oath, otherwise known as perjury. Bad dog. Bad!

Authority: No controlling one. So what else is new? Also what you will never have again.

Autoparser: Your latest Christmas present. It translates anything you say into whatever you need it to say in a court of law.

Backdoor Man: Your Secret Service code name.

Baghdad: Your target du jour, or the direction the tail is wagging.

Bank of America: What you're turning the country into for the rest of the world, whether they can repay it or not.

Barbara Boxer: One of your leading liars in the Senate.

Barbara Bush: About the only woman left that you haven't tried to molest. I know, you haven't had the chance yet...

Bedroom: That place where nothing will ever happen again, or in the case of the Lincoln Bedroom, a great little moneymaker.

Beltway: That magical barrier between real life and a lot of hot air. Inside it, reality takes a left turn.

Benjamin Netanyahu: That guy who's still looking crosseyed from the armtwisting you gave him.

Betty Currie: The First Assistant. The tales she could tell...

Big Government: Your fondest wish.

Billary: A man who really stands behind his woman; that way she can't see what he's doing.

Bimbo Eruption: What you're living through right now.

Bipartisanship: That thing that Democrats claim while they're trying to destroy it.

Blind Faith: Your new favorite rock group, or what you will have to ask of your supporters every day until you've left office.

Blue Room: Your favorite place for intimate encounters (where else?).

Bob Barr: Temporary buttboy for Larry Flynt, until the whole thing blew up in Flynt's face.

Bob Bennett: Your ex-lawyer; he should've been able to keep you out of this mess. He's in the doghouse now...

Bob Graham: Apparently the only Democratic Senator who can maintain impartiality. You're still not sure whether it's an act or not.

Bomb: A domestic policy device.

Bomber: A foreign policy device, also a great little moneymaker.

Bosnia: You're better off not knowing. It's definitely a candidate for the Wag the Dog show, though.

Bribery: The price of doing business, and the business of setting your price.

Bruce Lindsey: Another liar (lawyer) in charge of propaganda for you.

Budget: License to steal.

Bunting: Wrapping to hide your complete lack of ethics, or a bout of Presidential impotence.

Bureaucracy: Your shield and your sword.

California: Source of the largest part of your campaign funds; also home of some of your favorite apologists.

California Lottery winner: New DNC contributor.

Campaign Finance Reform: a doggy treat for the American public; too bad you'll never give it to them.

Cash: Requirement for entry of non-White House employees into the White House, also the contents of that carpetbag sitting next to your bed. See also Contribution.

Caucasian: That racial group which you don't want to identify yourself *too* closely with.

Censure: What you and your Democratic party cronies dream of in the wee hours of the night, but it's only a pipe dream.

Charles F.C. Ruff: your new favorite person in the world (until he stops vomiting lies for you). Sit. Stay...stay...stay. Beg. Heel! Good dog.

Cheryl Mills: another of your favorite people; not only does she allow you to play the race card and the feminist card at once in the impeachment trial, but she'll also misquote any law she can get her hands on in an attempt to get you off (no, dammit, not that way!). Too bad 13 of a kind beats a pair. Good dog! You don't even need a leash for her.

Cigar: your symbol of power and nobility, or a Presidential dildo, depending on the current level of your libido; you now have given people a new reason to save the ones you give them.

Civil Deposition: License to lie, and to trample over the rights of people other than you.

Civil rights: Buzzword used to galvanize minorities into action on your behalf.

Clintonus apologitis: a relatively new medical condition in which the victim periodically loses all conception of the truth. Stress is apparently a contributing factor; episodes are brought on by such things as appearing before the American public, making statements to the press, and making defense-lawyer arguments. Currently limited to those of Democratic party leanings.

CNN: The Clinton News Network, the electronic equivalent of Charles F.C. Ruff. No leash necessary here, either, but you have to keep them supplied with White House talking points.

Cochranisms: Lies told by your attorneys, or by you to the Grand Jury, with the sole purpose of getting you off. "That depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is," has a nice ring to it. Not exactly "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit," but Johnnie Cochrane was unavailable to work on the defense team.

College graduate: Dangerous person, one that can figure out that everything you and your mouthpieces say is a lie. Also one who actually checks the factual claims you make and finds them to be purest falsehood.

Constitution: What's that?

Contribution: prerequisite for political appointment by the Executive Branch, stay in the Lincoln Bedroom, entry into Oval Office 'coffee klatsches', or otherwise meeting you. 'Trickles down' eventually into the DNC coffers, after 'honoraria' are taken by you, your speechwriters, and everyone else with their fingers in the pie.

Cover-up: an art you learned during the Nixon impeachment proceedings and are applying to the current ones.

Criminal Investigation: Commonplace event, in your administration.

-The Watcher (Try speaking it at home. You'll get the hang of it.)